I did it! I rewrote that scene I promised you guys and myself that I would do. Before my self imposed deadline as well. Feeling pretty damn good about that 🙂 Quick recap for those of you who didn’t read my post last week. I was avoiding rewriting a scene for roughly three weeks and couldn’t figure out why. Last week’s post helped me to work out that I was afraid of it, even though I had a solution for what was wrong with the writing itself. I then committed to having it done before this post was due. And I did it. So this time I thought I would share with you guys what exactly I did to fix the scene. Read on.
Firstly I took out the first two paragraphs, basically because they are backstory. Important for me to know, but not the reader. I changed a few words in the next paragraph so it was written in the present tense instead of the past. The paragraph after that I changed the first and last sentences so that the reader became more involved with the action of the story. The next paragraph changed so it became a linking one. By this I mean that the start of it carried on some of the action from the previous paragraph but by the end of it you have a reason for Rune to be at the inn and it also links back to previous action in the story. It also puts the reader on notice that Rune is wary of something happening to Alaric.
The rest of the scene is setting up for the next one, which turns into a pivotal part of the story. There are a few word changes etc., however I did take out the part where Rune realised who the woman at the inn is. It is an important fact, but it’s one that the reader most likely has already worked out and it just would not be feasible for Rune to have figured it out yet. So I chopped it, trusting that my reader can read between the lines.
I’ve included the original scene in bold below and the revised one in italics after it. Let me know what you guys think and have a happy and creative week everyone 🙂
Rune watched as Uleki walked around merely days after being unable to move. The man moved confidently but with care, no hint of the agony he had been in. Silently Rune marveled at Uleki’s strength of will and wondered just how strong those herbs of his were.
Still, what Uleki was doing was none of his concern. What was his concern was the fact that Min and Alaric had gone silent on him. It had been several days since one of them had contacted him and at the back of his mind was that warning from Tuarwen. Whatever he thought of the girl child and her companion, they had saved his life and it was worth checking up on the two spies based on that alone.
Pushing open the inn’s door, Rune stepped inside and waited for his eyes to adjust to the dimer light. Restlessly he shoved a hand through his hair and surveyed the room. It was starting to fill up with workers finished for the day but not quite ready to go home. His eye was caught by a woman with flaming red hair at the bar. She was loading up a tray with drinks and as he watched she took it over to a table near the fireplace. Her hair glinted under the lights and Rune found himself transfixed. She was beautiful, with a willowy figure showed off to perfection by her dress. He was sure it was a simple, cheap garment, but somehow she made it seem like something one would wear at court. As he watched, she put the drinks on the table and the men all remained silent, bowing their heads at her respectfully.
It was as she gracefully threaded her way among the tables, heading back to the bar, that she glanced at Rune. Instantly he felt himself ensnared as her eyes snapped golden sparks at him. He tracked her movements across the room, unaware of anything else. Someone knocked into him, breaking the trance.
With a shake of his head, Rune went to the opposite end of the bar from the woman and ordered an ale. His plan, for lack of a better one, was to wait for Alaric to show up. He knew that the spy had been coming here every day and he hoped to catch him this evening.
Rune took a sip of his ale and glanced around the room. His eyes lingered on the woman as he watched her deliver more drinks. As he stared at her he had a sense of having met her before, but he found that impossible, a woman who looked like that would be difficult to forget.
He was in the process of ordering another ale when he felt something touch his side and his hand tingled alarmingly. Moving swiftly he was startled to find that it was the fiery haired woman. Her face was solemn, but it couldn’t hide the liveliness hiding behind her eyes. It was as he gawked at her closely that he realised who she reminded him of, the girl child Tuarwen.
She touched his hand lightly as it rested on the bar top and leaned in to whisper in his ear, “Meet me by the river glade after dinner.”
Pushing open the inn’s door, Rune stepped inside and waited for his eyes to adjust. Restlessly he shoved a hand through his hair and surveyed the room. It was starting to fill with workers finished for the day but not quite ready to go home. He caught sight of a woman with glowing red hair at the bar. As he watched she loaded up a tray with drinks and took it over to a table near the fireplace. Her hair glinted under the lights and Rune found himself transfixed. She was captivating, with a willowy figure showed off to perfection by her dress. He was sure it was a simple, cheap garment, but somehow, she made it seem like something one would wear at court. As he watched, she put the drinks on the table and the men all remained silent, bowing their heads at her respectfully.
She gracefully threaded her way among the tables, heading back to the bar, glancing at Rune as she passed. He was unable to look away as her eyes snapped golden sparks at him. He tracked her movements across the room, unprepared as another patron shoved him aside to make room to get through the door.
Regaining his balance with a glare, Rune went to the bar and ordered an ale. His plan, for lack of a better one, was to wait for Alaric to show up. He knew that the spy had been coming here every day and he hoped to catch him this evening, worried by the lack of communication between them. Tuarwen’s warning also lingered in his mind.
Rune finished his ale and glanced around the room. His eyes lingered on the woman as he watched her deliver more drinks. Shaking her from his thoughts, he was in the process of ordering another ale when something touched his side and his hand tingled alarmingly. Moving swiftly, he was startled to find that it was the fiery haired woman. Her face was solemn, but it couldn’t hide the liveliness hiding behind her eyes.
She touched his hand lightly as it rested on the bar top, causing it to tingle as if it had been dunked in an ice flow. “Meet me by the river glade after dinner.”
Sparks snapped at him as he looked up at her and found himself saying yes.
Samantha House 